User's Guide to the SK Gang
by Saruwatari Akimi
Summary: Learn how to work and live in perfect harmony with the SK characters!
1. ANNA KYOYAMA

This is based on a Princess Mononoke fic but using the SK characters :D I do not own SK or any of the characters in it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

**I. Anna Kyoyama**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of an Anna KYOYAMA™ unit!

ANNA KYOYAMA™ comes with the following accessories:

Cool blue spirit-summoning necklace  
Fancy bracelets  
Whip (for use with YOH ASAKURA™ unit)

Press the button on your unit's back and she will say one of ten phrases -

"Make me a coffee - no sugar!"  
"YOH! GET UP!"  
"What is he still doing here!" (when interacting with HOROKEU USUI™ unit) - to name but a few.

WARNING - ANNA KYOUYAMA™ unit does not interact well with the following units and may cause a disruption:

HAO ASAKURA™  
HOROKEU USUI™  
KONCHI & PONCHI™

and occasionally:

MANTA OYAMADA™  
REN TAO™

However the ANNA KYOYAMA™ unit interacts well with the following and may display slight romantic intentions towards the first:

YOH ASAKURA™  
PIRIKA USUI™  
AMIDAMARU™  
TAMAO TAMAMURA™

ANNA KYOYAMA™ enjoys certain activities, such as ordering people around, training the YOH ASAKURA™ unit, slagging off HAO ASAKURA™, throwing people at walls and generally being bossy. If your ANNA KYOYAMA™ unit starts handing out flowers, hugging other units and skipping, BEWARE. She may contain a lethal virus and will need to be immediately decontaminated.

Troubleshooting

Q. My ANNA KYOYAMA™ unit has developed an unholy obsession with Tom Cruise and refuses to train the YOH ASAKURA™ unit. What do I do?  
A. Destroy any Tom Cruise-related items in her possession and buy her a dog leash and a new whip. She should return to normal. If not call 1800-HELP ME! and ask for info on the SK units.

Q. Why does my ANNA KYOYAMA™ keep trying to kill the Hanagumi and beat up YOH ASAKURA™?  
A. This is perfectly normal.

Q. Why does my ANNA KYOYAMA™ unit A) hide behind the sofa when Doctor Who comes on telly and B) insist on watching the repeats of Oprah Winfrey?  
A. A) Doesn't everyone? B) Have you ever tried finding something better to watch on daytime TV?

If you have any further queries call 1800-BRAT.

Thankyou for purchasing the ANNA KYOYAMA™ unit.


	2. YOH ASAKURA

_Glad to see I got some reviews and nobody accused me of ripping this off (I didn't!)._

**II. YOH ASAKURA™  
**

Oh, you've only gone and bought a lazy good-for-almost-nothing YOH ASAKURA™ unit, haven't you? Well rest assured this unit comes with some quality accessories!

Slightly gay samurai ghost  
Kewl sword  
Funky necklace

**Precautions to take**

WARNING!!!!!!!!!! Never expose the YOH ASAKURA™ unit to fresh oranges or orange juice unless you want a squealing maniac tearing around your house all day. If you do want that to happen, you are either seriously disturbed, a Yoh fangirl or in somebody else's house. Also, if your YOH ASAKURA™ unit insists on hiding from the ANNA KYOYAMA™ unit, do not tell him that under the table is a good hiding place. He'll get back at you for it later. Be reminded he's armed with a Harusame!!!! (I looked that up on google images and it's actually a sort of Japanese rice dish lol)

**Hao warning**

Unless you are a die-hard yaoi fan (e.g. Roxy) or big on the HaoxYoh pairing, don't let these two units get too close on pain of guy-on-guy "action". If there is an ANNA KYOYAMA™ in the room when this occurs (accidentally or otherwise) call on a FAUST™ unit before things get too nasty. After all, you wouldn't want bloodstains all over your lovely furniture, would you?

Also, when you get the YOH™ unit out of his box, feel free to squeal how adorable he looks and give him a big hug. He doesn't mind (as long as you don't separate him from his beloved teddy bear, Mr Snuffles). Beware of overprotective fiancees though ;) And he's very frightened of hairdressers. So don't ask him where he's going on holiday or try to chop off his lovely locks because a) he'll do a spaz if you do and b) he thinks he looks pretty with long hair (him and the rest of the world). It's also all right to strap him into a chair and give him the Full Works with your 39-piece cosmetics kit, as long as you don't put purple lipstick on him when there is a MANTA OYAMADA™ unit present or the MANTA™ unit will get very scared and try to smash all your lamps with a sledgehammer.

When the YOH ASAKURA™ unit is fully grown, try to keep the ANNA KYOYAMA™ unit a safe distance away unless you really like little puking babies (Hana). Yes, he's cute, but you'll be the one who ends up babysitting after his parent units "go out for a walk".

**Yoh abuse  
**Final warning: Be nice to the YOH™ unit! He's quite a nice guy once you get to know him but make sure he does all his training and doesn't eat too many pies. If you know anyone who thinks it's funny to handcuff a YOH™ unit and sit him in front of a mirror while laughing maniacally and snipping bits of his hair off with giant scissors then call 1-800-0HN0.

Any further queries? Want to know exactly why the YOH™ unit owns 4 pairs of Wombles pants? Ring 1-800-SLACKER.

Enjoy and take care of your YOH ASAKURA™!


	3. REN TAO is gay

_We're the chipmunks alvin simon theodore :P i am a chipmunk fear me_

**III. By popular demand...(Well, sort of) the REN TAO™ unit is here!**

Thankyou for purchasing the REN™ unit. This unit can do all sorts of pathetic things, like:

Sulking  
Arguing  
Emptying your fridge of all its dairy products  
Spearing people with his kwan dao and then slowly spit-roasting them and feeding them to the local strays. (He likes to pretend he's Jamie Oliver and an assassin in one.)

The baby REN TAO™ unit does not appreciate being told it has a girl's name, or any sort of physical contact. Oh, and it only drinks milk. If you attempt to feed it anything else (i.e. bananas) then the REN™ unit will throw it at the walls and yell. Any time you want it to shut the hell up and go to sleep, get a really big TV and use it to play REN™ a film of cows jumping over a fence.

Do not let the REN TAO™ unit get into close contact with any Westerners because he hates them (as stated in episode 33). He also enjoys getting into mega-arguments with the HOROKEU USUI™ unit and his favourite thing to do is drink milk and play with his punchbag. If you come home to find bits of stuffing all over wherever the REN™ unit might have been then he probably got really annoyed and ripped up his teddy.

The REN™ unit has pretty much made it clear he doesn't want a girlfriend, but if he moans about that then find him some pretty Chinese girl in skimpy clothes (not Jun) before he gets nasty. If you fiddle about with the switch on his back a bit, he might kiss you, or ask you what on earth you're doing and smack you leaving you lying on the sofa whimpering and clutching an icepack to the side of your face until the mark goes away.

REN™ also enjoys cosplaying, but he always wants to be Ed from Fullmetal Alchemist for some reason. Probably because they're both short and have bad tempers.

**Your questions answered by Yours Truly, Akimi**

Q. Why does the REN™ unit insist on eating nothing but meat and wake me up and 3am on a consistent basis by meowing outside my bedroom door?  
A. He is suffering from delusions of Neko-ism. Take him to a psychiatrist...preferably a sexy one.

Q. My REN™ won't shut up about Horo Horo.  
A. You must have been sent one of the Shonen-Ai version. Unless you like that sort of thing, you can send it back and we'll give you a normal one.

Q. Is the REN™ unit supposed to keep kissing the JUN™ unit.  
A. Hmmmm...no.

Q. The REN™ unit is obsessed with Instant Messenger and won't get off the computer to let me look up hentai and play violent video games. What can I do?  
A. Oh, leave him alone. He's just cutely discovering the electrical wonders of the 21st century.

Want to know what underwear size Ren takes so you can get him a birthday prezzy? Curious about what he keeps in that little box he won't let you look in? Call 1800-CHINESETAKEAWAY.


End file.
